By Courtney E. Smith
Maybe you can feel it in the cosmic energy surrounding us, but Mercury is no longer in retrograde and Jupiter is probably not currently aligned with Mars. Your moon may or may not be in the seventh house. And who even knows when the age of Aquarius will be a thing again?
Meanwhile, it’s 2014 and more Americans believe astrology is an actual science than at any time since 1983, according to a study by the National Science Foundation (your tax dollars were spent on it, so you might want to check that out). Katy Perry is a believer and Buzzfeed recently published a lengthy story asking if we should all start taking astrology seriously.
We look at it a little differently. If your sign can incapsulate who you are, why can’t a three-minute song? With that in mind, we performed a careful analysis of the main traits of every sun sign, cross-referenced that with a list of musicians born under that sign, cross-referenced that list with their discographies and chose the one song that incapsulates each sign as performed by a musician of that sign. It’s exactly the same kind of science that goes into astrology, more or less.
Find yourself below. Who knows, it might be the song that aligns you with the universe.
ARIES: Lady Gaga – “The Edge of Glory”
Aries, the Ram, is one of those head-on signs, made up of action-oriented people who have ideas and then follow through with them. They might not follow-up or finish — that grunt work is for other people. They specialize in charging ahead and starting new ideas with gusto. They’re impulsive and can be fast to anger, but they get over it pretty quickly. They see themselves as free spirits, tend to be blunt and are rarely subtle.
One of the most Aries of Aries songs is from Aries singer Lady Gaga. It’s a song that gives Gaga a chance to talk about how great she is with the promise to be even better — she is on the edge of glory, after all. The beat is aggressive and quick. And there’s a sax solo, which is obviously letting someone else do the grunt work in a pop song.
TAURUS: Willie Nelson – “Ain’t It Funny How Time Slips Away?”
Taurus, the Bull, is a patient character. A Taurus likes things to be familiar and comfortable. You can’t rush them. You’d have to work like crazy to change their mind. And they hate change. If a Taurus likes you, they’ll buy you lots of pretty presents and they expect the same thing in return — it’s how they show their affection. If you make one mad though, expect them to hold a grudge.
Interestingly, Taurus rules the throat so most of them have excellent singing and talking voices. Adele, George Strait, Kelly Clarkson and Janet Jackson are all under the sign. But this Willie Nelson track, with its methodical, beautiful melody, tells the deceptively sweet story of two lovers catching up after a while. Listen to the lyrics though — that Taurus is still bitter about the break up.
GEMINI: The Beatles – “I Saw Her Standing There”
Gemini, the Twins, are a jack-of-all-trades type. They like stuff. New stuff. For a minute. Then they kind of forget about it and move on to the next new thing. That’s cool, it just means it’s really difficult for any thing, person or picture of a cute animal to hold their attention for long. “Variety is the spice of life” probably became a cliché because of a Gemini.
There’s hardly a more Gemini track than the one penned by Gemini Paul McCartney when he wrote “I Saw Her Standing There.” He nailed the whole astrological sign’s aesthetic when he saw her standing there. Then saw another her. Then another her. Then a Shea Stadium-full of hers. But each new her was a delightful experience! For that one night they danced through, anyway.
CANCER: Lana Del Rey – “Video Games”
Cancer, the Crab, are moody, sensitive people. Don’t even say one mean thing or you’ll have them in tears. The slightest burn is felt with the strength of a thousand suns. They’re quiet and reserved, with a penchant for nostalgia. Money is important to them for the security it brings. Also important is family, or friends as family — Cancers will get their sense of self from that environment more than anywhere else.
No surprise that the queen of sadcore music, Lana Del Rey, is a Cancer. Her song “Video Games” is a Cancerian vignette of her role inside a relationship with a boyfriend, with overtones of sadness and highly detailed descriptions of the lengths she goes to please him. Add to that the vintage-y touches she brings to her overall persona and voila: stereotypical Cancer business.
LEO: Whitney Houston – “I’m Every Woman”
Leo, the Lion, is the zodiac’s showboat. To call them forceful and dominate would be right on point, but it doesn’t get in the way of them being incredibly attractive to other people and able to inspire legions of fans and followers. A huge number of lead singer types are Leos who adore being in the starring role of…absolutely anything. On the bad side, Leos can be lazy and tend to think they should be automatically given power and authority. They’re not into working their way up from the bottom.
Whitney Houston showed off her vocal prowess and really owned her inner lion on this rendition of Chaka Khan’s “I”m Every Woman” from The Bodyguard soundtrack. For a Leo it was the ideal situation: she got to be the star of the movie, sing almost every song on the soundtrack and in the video be the face in front of several R&B stars, including TLC, Martha Wash and even her mom, Cissy Houston. It’s hard not to be window dressing when a Leo’s around.
VIRGO: Beyoncé – “Run the World (Girls)”
Don’t get it twisted: Virgos are not virgins, although they may be a little uptight. They are organized, focused workers. They’re on top of their business, 24/7, and likely to be intellectuals with a hefty bent towards analytical thinking. The like the detail work, but sometimes become too critical and make stuff impossible for themselves. They’re serious and reserved types.
As our Virgo girl Beyoncé proves, they can put that flash on when they need to but it’s probably a calculated move. With her you know every detail is agonized over until perfection, or something very close to it, is achieved. And when she decides to be less than perfect, it’s a conscious choice. There’s nothing more Virgoian than proclaiming you and your people run the world.
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LIBRA: Tom Petty – “Learning to Fly”
Libras are known to be the most sweet, patient and well-liked signs in the zodiac, although you might spit out your drink if we told you that John Lennon, Paul Simon, Lil Wayne, Sting and Tommy Lee are all Libras. Not exactly a list of people who’ve cultivated reputations as easy-going sweethearts. And that’s because Libras do their best work in nice atmospheres where people don’t put too much pressure on them. They can appear effete because they are prone to compromise and they do best in partnerships and relationships — sounds like a lot of people from that list eh? The Beatles, Simon & Garfunkle, Weezy & Birdman, The Police and Tommy Lee and every blonde woman ever — those Libras wouldn’t have been much without their partners.
Tom Petty is one of those Libras, but his partner is his band the Heartbreakers. “Learning to Fly” is a solid Libra anthem, with plain-spoken lyrics that tell it like it is — one of a Libra’s favorite things.
SCORPIO: Drake – “HYFR”
Scorpios are the emo of the zodiac. They’re super emotional about every little thing, but the weird part is that it can manifest as sarcasm, a huge oven full of anger or a river of tears. And by the way, once you make them mad they can hold a grudge FOREVER. They’re passionate, intense, jealous and vengeful. Like Greek gods. They’re very strong-willed and their secret super power is seeming to know what you’re thinking without you telling them. These dudes are on to your every move.
One famous Scorpio who wears his Scorp in his song lyrics is Drake. Just take a look at “HYFR” where he raps “Interview are like confessions/Get the f— up out my dressing room, confusing me with questions.” Typical Scorpio burn, they want to know all your business but you shouldn’t know any of theirs. Like, any. None.
SAGITTARIUS: Miley Cyrus – “Wrecking Ball”
A Sag is a cheerful chap, always optimistic and ready to look on the bright side of things. It’s hard to get this sign down and their open book nature makes it hard to want to. Bumming out a Sagittarius is like not liking a photo of a kitten on Facebook: you have to be pretty cold hearted not to love a kitten or a Sag. They work best when looking at the big picture and leave the little things to other people. They value the truth above all and will give it to you frankly, but they’re so darn charming that you kind of don’t mind when they do.
And with that we cut to Miley Cyrus‘s “Wrecking Ball.” Did it drive you nuts when you saw this video, directed by the way by controversial photographer Terry Richardson? Did you want to yell at Miley and ask what she was thinking? But we bet you also had to give her some credit for good songwriting, excellent singing and the display of raw emotion the video also contains. See, it’s impossible not to be at least a little bit in love with a cute kitten and a Sag.
CAPRICORN: Elvis Presley – “Suspicious Minds”
Capricorn, the Goat, is a fascinating mix of the practical and ambitious personality traits. They are extremely hard workers who are determined to accomplish whatever they’ve set their mind to. Sometimes their work ethic takes a wrong turn and can become domineering in their quest to get to the top, although most of the time they prefer to play it safe and avoid all that mess. And the Goat is just the right thing to describe their sign because they can be as stubborn as you can imagine anyone being. Just don’t get in their way and it’ll be fine.
He’s a legend now, but in his day Elvis Presley was the most Cap of the Capricorns. He surrounded himself with total killers who’d do the dirty work to help him become the biggest star in the world. Elvis worked hard to get to the top. Nothing less would do.
AQUARIUS: Justin Timberlake – “What Goes Around Comes Around”
This particular sign is aloof and should probably be in therapy to talk to someone about their inability to get in touch with their emotions or make meaningful one-on-one connections. That said, they’ve got brilliant minds for conceptual thinking. They’re known for coming up with ideas and solving problems with ahead-of-their-time thinking and work well when they’re allowed to exercise personal freedom, so don’t fence them in. They tend to know a lot of people but only have a few close friends. When it comes to love, they can be kind of cold.
Justin Timberlake is a Aquarius’s Aquarius. Between his insistence on next-level, game changing partnerships with brands, his cold-hearted willingness to exploit his relationships for the sake of his art/career (sorry Britney Spears) and keeping the world on its toes about what he’ll do between his acting career and his releasing crazy double albums career he is the epitomy of what one could expect a water bearer to be.
PISCES: Justin Bieber – “As Long As You Love Me”
The Fish is a dreamer. All that dreaming can cause them to get in their own way, from time to time, with weird, impractical ideas. But right or wrong the Pisces lives by their gut and when they are right, it’s like striking gold. The Pisces personality can swing wildly, going from charming to awful, because they suffer from a serious inferiority complex. Pisces are very prideful and will totally take the bait if you taunt them. They can’t help it, they’re more shy and lacking in self-confidence than they may seem.
There are several famous Pisces singers who fit the profile to a T: Rihanna, Adam Levine, Kurt Cobain and Josh Groban are among them. But the most Pisces of all the fish sign famous types has to be Justin Bieber. He swings left and right, moody to sweet. His Twitter feed will be full of sweet platitudes to his fans while TMZ is ladden with videos of him behaving in a vile manner. But, world, all Justin Bieber and every Pisces really wants is your love.