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Your Perfect Astrological Song, Sung by an Artist With Your Astrological Sign

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A woodcut by Elizabethan physician William Bullein, from 'A Newe Booke entituled Government of Healthe', published 1559. (Photo by Henry Guttmann/ Hulton Archive/ Getty Images)

A woodcut by Elizabethan physician William Bullein, from ‘A Newe Booke entituled Government of Healthe’, published 1559. (Photo by Henry Guttmann/ Hulton Archive/ Getty Images)

By Courtney E. Smith

Maybe you can feel it in the cosmic energy surrounding us, but Mercury is no longer in retrograde and Jupiter is probably not currently aligned with Mars. Your moon may or may not be in the seventh house. And who even knows when the age of Aquarius will be a thing again?

Meanwhile, it’s 2014 and more Americans believe astrology is an actual science than at any time since 1983, according to a study by the National Science Foundation (your tax dollars were spent on it, so you might want to check that out). Katy Perry is a believer and Buzzfeed recently published a lengthy story asking if we should all start taking astrology seriously.

We look at it a little differently. If your sign can incapsulate who you are, why can’t a three-minute song? With that in mind, we performed a careful analysis of the main traits of every sun sign, cross-referenced that with a list of musicians born under that sign, cross-referenced that list with their discographies and chose the one song that incapsulates each sign as performed by a musician of that sign. It’s exactly the same kind of science that goes into astrology, more or less.

Find yourself below. Who knows, it might be the song that aligns you with the universe.

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ARIES: Lady Gaga – “The Edge of Glory”

Aries, the Ram, is one of those head-on signs, made up of action-oriented people who have ideas and then follow through with them. They might not follow-up or finish — that grunt work is for other people. They specialize in charging ahead and starting new ideas with gusto. They’re impulsive and can be fast to anger, but they get over it pretty quickly. They see themselves as free spirits, tend to be blunt and are rarely subtle.

One of the most Aries of Aries songs is from Aries singer Lady Gaga. It’s a song that gives Gaga a chance to talk about how great she is with the promise to be even better — she is on the edge of glory, after all. The beat is aggressive and quick. And there’s a sax solo, which is obviously letting someone else do the grunt work in a pop song.

 

TAURUS: Willie Nelson – “Ain’t It Funny How Time Slips Away?”

 

Taurus, the Bull, is a patient character. A Taurus likes things to be familiar and comfortable. You can’t rush them. You’d have to work like crazy to change their mind. And they hate change. If a Taurus likes you, they’ll buy you lots of pretty presents and they expect the same thing in return — it’s how they show their affection. If you make one mad though, expect them to hold a grudge.

Interestingly, Taurus rules the throat so most of them have excellent singing and talking voices. Adele, George Strait, Kelly Clarkson and Janet Jackson are all under the sign. But this Willie Nelson track, with its methodical, beautiful melody, tells the deceptively sweet story of two lovers catching up after a while. Listen to the lyrics though — that Taurus is still bitter about the break up.

 

GEMINI: The Beatles – “I Saw Her Standing There”

 

Gemini, the Twins, are a jack-of-all-trades type. They like stuff. New stuff. For a minute. Then they kind of forget about it and move on to the next new thing. That’s cool, it just means it’s really difficult for any thing, person or picture of a cute animal to hold their attention for long. “Variety is the spice of life” probably became a cliché because of a Gemini.

There’s hardly a more Gemini track than the one penned by Gemini Paul McCartney when he wrote “I Saw Her Standing There.” He nailed the whole astrological sign’s aesthetic when he saw her standing there. Then saw another her. Then another her. Then a Shea Stadium-full of hers. But each new her was a delightful experience! For that one night they danced through, anyway.

 

 CANCER: Lana Del Rey – “Video Games”

 

Cancer, the Crab, are moody, sensitive people. Don’t even say one mean thing or you’ll have them in tears. The slightest burn is felt with the strength of a thousand suns. They’re quiet and reserved, with a penchant for nostalgia. Money is important to them for the security it brings. Also important is family, or friends as family — Cancers will get their sense of self from that environment more than anywhere else.

No surprise that the queen of sadcore music, Lana Del Rey, is a Cancer. Her song “Video Games” is a Cancerian vignette of her role inside a relationship with a boyfriend, with overtones of sadness and highly detailed descriptions of the lengths she goes to please him. Add to that the vintage-y touches she brings to her overall persona and voila: stereotypical Cancer business.

 

LEO: Whitney Houston – “I’m Every Woman”

 

Leo, the Lion, is the zodiac’s showboat. To call them forceful and dominate would be right on point, but it doesn’t get in the way of them being incredibly attractive to other people and able to inspire legions of fans and followers. A huge number of lead singer types are Leos who adore being in the starring role of…absolutely anything. On the bad side, Leos can be lazy and tend to think they should be automatically given power and authority. They’re not into working their way up from the bottom.

Whitney Houston showed off her vocal prowess and really owned her inner lion on this rendition of Chaka Khan’s “I”m Every Woman” from The Bodyguard soundtrack. For a Leo it was the ideal situation: she got to be the star of the movie, sing almost every song on the soundtrack and in the video be the face in front of several R&B stars, including TLC, Martha Wash and even her mom, Cissy Houston. It’s hard not to be window dressing when a Leo’s around.

 

VIRGO: Beyoncé – “Run the World (Girls)”

 

Don’t get it twisted: Virgos are not virgins, although they may be a little uptight. They are organized, focused workers. They’re on top of their business, 24/7, and likely to be intellectuals with a hefty bent towards analytical thinking. The like the detail work, but sometimes become too critical and make stuff impossible for themselves. They’re serious and reserved types.

As our Virgo girl Beyoncé proves, they can put that flash on when they need to but it’s probably a calculated move. With her you know every detail is agonized over until perfection, or something very close to it, is achieved. And when she decides to be less than perfect, it’s a conscious choice. There’s nothing more Virgoian than proclaiming you and your people run the world.

 

Continued on page two…

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