Lamb of God’s Randy Blythe Burns Penis With Boiling Hot Coffee, Writes Tender Post About It
By Brian Ives
The metal singer, who was recently acquitted of manslaughter in the Czech Republic, explained — in great detail — how his penis was scalded by the coffee in the post. Be aware that the following block quote contains words like “mellow piano music” and “white hot explosion of agony in my crotch” and features Blythe apostrophizing to his penis.
“The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis. I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now.”
He further reported that when he got home his put his appendage in a glass of water to help cool it down.
The Instagram photo, by the way, had nothing directly to do with the injury: it was a photo of Jimmy Bower and Mike Williams of the band Eyehategod. Blythe noted that that band “has NOTHING to do with this story, but I needed a photo & they do have a record called ‘Take As Needed For Pain.'”
Blythe is something of a survivor, having endured the (possibly) even more excruciating ordeal of being imprisoned in the Czech Republic in June of 2012 on charges of manslaughter, blamed for the death of one of their young fans at a show in that country two years prior. After spending five weeks in a Prague jail, he was released under the condition that he would return to stand trial, which he did. Happily, he was acquitted.
Judging by the more recent posts on Blythe’s Instagram feed, he’s recovered from his ordeal: he currently appears to be on a surfing trip, with his main concern being the lack of waves. Blythe’s next project is Teenage Time Killer, a punk supergroup that also includes members of Corrosion of Conformity, Corey Taylor of Slipknot and Dave Grohl.