Justin Bieber’s Penis is Now a Matter of Public Record
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By Jeremy D. Larson
Not unlike sitting in the hospital waiting room waiting for your first child to be born or anxiously watching the news for the results of a Presidential election, the world now waits with bated breath to see the penis of purported singer, alleged felon and all-around Canadian rascal, Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber’s penis is now a matter of public record, which let’s be frank is more than most men can say of their own penises, and a photo of Justin Bieber’s penis will soon be released into the wild of the internet.
Judge William Altfield of the Miami-Dade County Court has decreed that, collaterally speaking, Justin Bieber’s penis can and will be used evidence in his recent Miami arrest. The judge plans to release five videos from the arrest night, including, but not limited to, a video of Justin Bieber’s penis as he is taking a urine test. As Miami Herald reports, authorities will “shade or blacken” Justin Bieber’s penis.
While the universe aims to busy itself with matters of actual importance, Justin Bieber’s penis looms large on the horizon. Justin Bieber’s attorney previously argued that Justin Bieber’s penis need not even enter into the court proceedings.
“This is not a hard line to draw, all we are asking is that first, the court hold an en camera review,” said one of Justin Bieber’s defense attorneys Howard Srebnick to CBS Miami. “Second, that the court hold as a matter of law, a presumptively innocent person, if the police film him or her urinating, there’s no reason for the media to make a spectacle of it, even if the person is a high-profile person.”
Another lawyer, CBS4/Herald attorney Scott Ponce, argued that it is in the public’s best interest — nay it is their right — to see Justin Bieber’s penis.
“If part of a public record is exempt, you redact what is exempt and produce everything else,” Ponce told the court, referring to Justin Bieber’s penis. “It sounds like [Justin Bieber] is urinating in them. I think the issue is do we see [Justin Bieber's] penis or do we not? Under the public records rule, we redact what can be seen, and let the rest out. Put a black bar over [Justin Bieber's penis] and let the rest out.”
Whetting the galaxy’s curiosity surrounding Justin Bieber’s penis are recently released photos of all of his tattoos around his body, also now a matter of public record to be entered as evidence.
Previous videos of Justin Bieber’s arrest do not show Justin Bieber’s penis, rather they show Justin Bieber being frisked. This video will also be used as evidence.
Justin Bieber’s penis, whose blurry shape will soon be known to all life forms in this world and the next, originally became a matter stemming from Justin Bieber’s arrest in Miami, where he was charged with drag racing and driving under the influence. He tested positive for marijuana and Xanax, which was verified after a urine test, wherein Justin Bieber’s penis played a key role.