By Robert Ham
Shattuck, the longtime leader of pop-punk outfit The Muffs, announced the move via her social media channels with this message:
“Super disappointed to learn that my time with the Pixies ended today. Amazing experience. Looking forward to focusing my attention back on the Muffs and our upcoming new album. All the best to everyone.”
With an extensive tour scheduled for the beginning of the year, the Pixies can’t waste any time looking for a replacement. So, we decided to lend a hand and offer up some possibilities to take over for Deal and Shattuck.
And since they will apparently only hire musicians with the same first name, we spent time sweating over the supercomputers at Radio.com headquarters, punching in algorithms, and weighing some potentially earth-shaking selections (Kim Kardashian? Kim Jong Un? Kimmy Gibbler from Full House?) before finally coming up with five potential options to fill the gaping hole in Pixies’ lineup. In our most wildly speculative 5 Directions series yet, here’s our suggestions:
1) Kim Gordon
This choice might seem a little too on the nose, that’s why she’s our number one pick. Like the Pixies, Kim Gordon survived the rise and fall of the post-Nevermind alt-rock explosion with her dignity intact, and she knows quite well how to handle a band full of alpha males thanks to her long tenure in Sonic Youth. If her bass playing chops don’t convince you, think about the breathy sexuality that her voice would bring to songs like “Gigantic” or “U-Mass.” Try as she might, Kim Deal could never make a listener weak in the knees like Gordon can.
2) Kim Coletta
Another female bassist that has logged time in a band full of dudes (in her case, the pioneering D.C. post-punk quartet Jawbox), Coletta’s strength lies in the meaty tone she wrests out of a bass guitar, one that would sound so nice sandwiched between the slashing chords ripped out by Pixies’ guitarists Joey Santiago and Black Francis. She also makes some of the most awesome bass faces this side of Este Haim.
3) Kim Thayil
This pick is, of course, presupposing that Thayil, otherwise known as the lead guitarist for Soundgarden, can play the bass guitar. But considering his mastery of the six-stringer, there’s little doubt that he can take on the rhythm parts that Kim Deal left behind. If nothing else, Thayil’s no nonsense view of the world will come in handy to keep Black Francis’ ego in check.
4) Lil’ Kim
If Pixies really want some viral coverage of their upcoming world tour, there’s no better way to do it than to introduce this pint-sized rapper and fifth place finisher on Dancing with the Stars as their new bassist. Sure that might mean a filthy rap breakdown in the middle of “Here Comes Your Man,” but that’s a small price to pay for all the blogosphere chatter she’ll stir up, and also having Lil’ Kim be in the Pixies.
5) Kim Deal
Can you imagine the freak-out that would occur if the band went completely full-circle and brought back the woman that helped started it all? The bassist that was the only respondent to the famous want-ad looking for a musician who loved both Hüsker Dü and Peter, Paul & Mary? We realize this is a potentially dangerous pick, considering the rip it could cause in the space/time continuum, but hey…at least she knows all the songs, right?